God's Sense Of Humor

I don't know if you folks out there believe in God, or if He has a sense of humor or not, but I certainly do. I will explain.

About a month ago, I was on the phone with Big Judy, and I was telling him about how I was going to go out with a girl for the first time. Let's call her T for now, because I haven't as of yet come up with a nickname for her. So I was talking to Big Judy about how I've been on so many freakin' first dates in my life, and that since the vast majority of them have gone horribly wrong, I don't get nervous about going on them anymore. I further explained to him that I wasn't surely wasn't gonna hold my breath for the outcome of this date.

Well, the following day, I met T. Everything started out just great. About 15-20 minutes into the date I began to realize that I was getting nervous. You see T is very beautiful, funny, outgoing, and we were hitting it off very well. Once I realized that I was nervous, it got worse, because I was conscious of that fact. Plus, she has a certain way about her that she manages to embarrass me quite easily. That is another interesting aspect about her personality. She manages to make me nervous (in a good way), but she also manages to make me blush. I must state now that I don't get embarrassed easily, and I rarely blush. But she manages to bring that out in me too.

On our 4th date, we ate dinner and talked there at the restaurant for over 4 hours. We had a great conversation, and she managed to really make me feel embarrassed and nervous all at the same time. That feeling of uneasiness only intensified as I attempted to compliment her. I told her what I meant to say, only she took it the wrong way. It's kinda like how it is a lot of times with men and women. A guy says something, and there are two possible interpretations to it: the one that the man meant to say, and the way that the woman interprets it - which ends up being the complete opposite of what the man meant to say. So after my botched compliment to her, which I managed to get her to understand what I really meant after some explaining, I became very embarrassed which lead to me becoming nervous.

She then excused herself, and I had a few minutes to ponder the events of the previous 5 minutes of my life. I then thought about how God has a very good sense of humor, because of her and how I feel about her. I went from blatantly stating that I never get nervous on dates anymore, and there I was, on a 4th date, and still nervous as a 14 year old boy on a first date. It made me smile.

So we've now been on 5 dates so far, and I am very excited about us. I still get nervous around her sometimes, but it is still in a good way. She still manages to embarrass me, and that's fine. In my defense, I managed to do the same to her, so that's good.

I am very grateful that I met her, and I hope that this here story has a happy ending. I know that my mom sure does. Just a few days ago she asked, "Is she 'The One', Big D?" I told her, "Mom, I've only been out with her 4 times, so I can't really answer that."

She is really ready to marry me off, so she can have some more grandkids. Madness I tell you. So Big R, you're not the only one that my mom bugs about getting married.

Keep on keepin' on.

Ode To The Enema

I got this from here

It really is a monument to the enema. My life is now complete. I have now officially seen everything.

Waiter, check please.

Keep on keepin' on.

It's A Boy!

Big Judy and Triple D had a baby boy yesterday. I'm very happy for them, and as of now, they don't have a name for the little whipper snapper. I'm still going with "Judy", but I'm not quite sure that that's gonna fly. Big Judy, you're world has just changed. Good luck you two, and congratulations again!

Sweet, I'm an uncle again.*

Keep on keepin' on.

* FYI: Since Big Judy and Triple D have no siblings, then I am, by default, an uncle to their El Nino. I've told them that I was going to be their baby's uncle since even before they were married.

Am I Going To Get Stood Up? UPDATE- New Odds BREAKING NEWS

Well folks, I can't say that I'm surprised about this. Those of you that know my online dating story are very familiar with the stories of me being stood up by different girls from match.com. There are 3 occasions where I showed up to the assigned meeting place and the other party in this arrangement decided that they had better things to do than to meet a tall drink of water like myself. They simply didn't show up, or have the common decency to tell me that they would rather not meet me. Very rude. Very.

Continuing on that theme, the girl that I met last Thursday (I wrote about her in my last post) and I had planned a date for tonight. We planned the day, but not the time or place, when we talked on Monday. We said that we would set the details on Tuesday. Well, I called on Tuesday evening and, shockingly, no response from her. Now what do I do? Let's set up a wager.

I'm going to place the odds of me going out with her tonight at about 3-1. Big R, you wanna place a bet with those odds? Not a bad payout, if you ask me. Especially knowing my incredibly wicked-crazy track record with dating. I might even place the odds against me going out tonight at 1-5 or maybe as good as 1-4.

Hmmmm. Maybe I'll have to throw in an exacta-type wager to make it interesting to place that piss-poor odds bet. O.K. Let's make the exacta along these lines. I would put the "win horse" bet on me not going out on the date tonight. The "place horse" bet will be that I will not ever see or hear from her again (payout of 3-2 for the exacta bet).

It's kind of a challenge because she could contact me today and tell me that the date is off, but that seems highly unlikely (60-1).

She could also contact me today and apologize and attempt to reschedule (10-1).

She could also contact me and tell me that I'm the tallest drink of water that she's ever seen (100,000,000-1).

If I was a betting man, and I am, I'm going with the above exacta bet. I'll bet my flood-damaged Home Theater system on that (valued at $0.0001 after taking on about 3 gallons of water).

It's now a little after 10:00 A.M., and I have heard nothing from her. If I don't hear anything by 2:00 P.M. today, then I will be about 99% certain that I will never hear from her again.

"The road goes on forever and the party never ends..."*

Keep on keepin' on.

*Robert Earl Keen quote...for those of you that don't know.

UPDATE:
It's now 12:40 P.M., and amazingly, I have heard nothing from her. *sarcasm* I will now update the odds:

Odds that I will go out with her tonight: 20-1
Odds that I will NOT go out with her tonight: 1-20
Odds that she will contact me in any way, shape, or form again: 20-1

More updates to come throughout the day.

BREAKING NEWS
It's now 1:50 P.M. and I just got off the phone with her. She called and said, "Sorry that I didn't call you last night, but..." I kinda zoned out then, because I realized that it was going to be a lame excuse. We are going out for dinner, but she has one strike against her. Red Flag #1. I also realize that she doesn't exactly owe me a lot at this point. But my point is that it's just common courtesy to do what you say. My guess is that she had a date last night (which is just fine with me), and didn't want to tell me. But we've only know each other for a grand total of 6 days, and we have only met each other once. It's not like I really think that I'm the only dude in her life. Dating is such a pain in the arse.

I guess Big R, you'd have won pretty big, if we had agreed on the updated odds. I got lucky on that one.

Moving On Up, & An Update On My Dating Life

It's kind of interesting being the oldest sibling and having never been married. I'm 32, my sister is 30 (she got married at 22, and divorced at 28ish), and my brother is 26 and got married this last September. The reason that I bring this up is that my parents, especially my mom, take a little extra care of me. I really think that it's because I don't have an "old lady" to do it for me.

I'm not talking about cleaning my house, or even doing my laundry. Here is what I mean.

About a week ago, I asked my mom if she would help me arrange the furniture and give me her input on the decorating. She loves that kind of stuff, and she's pretty good at it. I am pretty good at it too, but I really didn't have a good idea on how to get the ball rolling on this place.

So, yesterday, my parents came over and helped me get my Pimpin' Bachelor Pad O' Love (PBPOL) ready for the ladies. Actually on more than one occasion yesterday my mom uttered these words, "Well, we have to make this place look nice for any girls you bring over here." I'm being 100% serious. Aww Mom.

So we spent about 7 hours on my PBPOL, with a 1/2 hour break in there for dinner - I made a 100% homemade chicken soup, that was divine, by the way. As an aside, I'm becoming quite the cook. But I digress.

Now my PBPOL is about 95% finished, and it looks great. I am very grateful that my parents - well, mainly my mom - for helping me. It's funny and maybe a bit lame, but I really enjoy hangin' out with my parents. They crack me up, and I'm very thankful that we have a great relationship.

I also realize that it's a bit different because I'm single, as apposed to if I was married - which is definitely a good thing.

On a different note, I have kind of lost track of my dating "score" but I'll do my best to update the stats. So for those of you keeping score at home, and I hope that you are doing a better job of this than I am, here are the updated stats:

Match.com chicks: 0.5 for 4.5

"Real world" chicks: 0 for 3.5

Now let me explain the numbers. The 0.5 of the 4.5 under the Match.com category represents a girl that I talked to multiple times, but never actually met because she lives in Austin and she stopped responding to my calls (I only called twice and then gave up, so I'm not a stalker). The 0.5 of the 3.5 under the "Real World" chicks represents a girl the Lil N introduced me to, and she really blew me off on our 4th date (I believe that I wrote about that date earlier on this here blog) but now she is still wanting to maintain contact. I'm not really sure why, so I leave it as a 1/2 of a loss.

Well they say that dating is a numbers game, and boy howdy, do I have the numbers to prove it. Good grief. Dating is such a pain in the butt. But if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, "Pimpin' ain't easy."

The 0.5 on the "win" side under the Match.com chicks represents a very real possibility in a girl. We met for the first time this Thursday and we had a great time. In fact, I'm more excited about her than any of the other chicks that I've been out with on this latest dating charade. She is very intriguing and I think that there is a lot of potential there. I'm keeping my fingers crossed with this one.

The beat goes on. And the search continues.

Until next time, keep on keepin' on.

Dear John

I got another "Dear John" email today. I'm been getting quite a few of these suckers lately. It's not exactly earth shattering though. These emails are from girls that I've been on 1-3 dates with. Here is the story of the last one, with the actual email to follow. But first, the backstory.

I am a Christian. Shocking, I know. This girl, N, is also a Christian, but of the Church of Christ. I am not really familiar with that church, but I am more educated now. I first met N about 2 weeks ago, when we met for coffee. It went fine. We went out on our second date this past Friday, and it was interesting.

We went to a restaurant, where that wait was going to be about 45 minutes. I asked her if she wanted a drink, and she told me that she didn't drink, which didn't surprise me at all. She had given me some clues previously that had lead me to think that she was not a drinker. Which is fine with me, as long as she wouldn't get on my case if I did. So I ordered a beer, and we chit chatted.

Sometime during the dinner conversation, we started talking about religion. And somehow Israel was brought up. I told her (warning: I'm about to get into a bit of theology here) that I believed that we as Christians (and as a country) should support Israel. I also stated how important the Jews are to God, and to Christians, and how the "end times" revolved around God bringing back the Jews to Him. I believe that from the time of Jesus' death up until "The End" of the world, God is spreading His message through the Church, and it's Christians. This time is for the Gentiles to know God.

She completely disagreed. She said that the Jews are no long really relevant, and that the Church is what matters now, and that the Church has "replaced" the Jews now*. I was flabbergasted.

Well, we finished the night off without a hitch, and I called her on Sunday. She didn't answer and I left a message. When I didn't hear back from her that night, I really suspected that I wasn't going to hear from her again. I was wrong.

This morning the following email was in my inbox from her:

Hey Double D,

Sorry I didnt call you back last night, I was out. I wanted to tell you that it is very important to me to find someone with similar religious beliefs to mine. Speaking to you Friday night at dinner, I think our beliefs are about as opposite as they can get. I don't think there is any way that it can possibly work out between us.

Thanks for dinner,

N

I don't know about you, but I took this to be a bit rude. Whatcha think?

Keep on keepin' on. And sorry for the preachin'.

*This false doctrine is called Replacement Theology, and is completely incorrect, because there is no Biblical backing for it.

Yes, I'm Still Alive

I apologize to my 1.327 readers out there for not posting in about 3 years, but I have been a tad busy with dealing with "The Flood" of my apartment at the end of last month. I decided use capital letters when writing about my flooding, because then it puts it into mythic proportions. Kind of like The Great Flood, but not all of the massive destruction of the entire planet and all of that. Here is what happened.

Last month, I went down to Houston to visit my sister. I was away from my apartment from 7:00 A.M. on Friday until 9:00 P.M. on Sunday. I was dog tired as I walked up to my apartment, and when I opened the door, my first thought was that I had been robbed, but I quickly realized the my apartment was flooded. All of my stuff was in complete chaos, as the maintenance dudes had put as much of my stuff off of the floor. It was a mess!!!

Thank God I had renters insurance!

By that Wednesday, a company had moved my stuff into an apartment around the corner from my old one. They packed up about 30% of my stuff into boxes, and the rest they pretty much just threw into random piles o' stuff. I managed to find a decent apartment that is closer to work, and that is of a much better quality to boot. I am very pleased that it's all starting to work itself out. I am still waiting on the guitar shop to finish determining how much damage was done to my 3 acoustic and 2 electric guitars, my fiddle, and my mandolin. What a mess.

I had movers move me into my new apartment, and I am very glad that I did. I only had to pay about $100 with tip, because I used umovefree.com. Not a bad deal I guess. The moving company had a deal that the move was "free" as long as you don't actually have any stuff to move. Odd, I know. It's kind of a bait-and-switch type of deal. Your "free" move limited you to 25 boxes and a limited amount of furniture. I had to pay $2/box over 25 boxes, $25 because I had a sleeper sofa, and $20 for them to move my guitar amps and PA system. But, I didn't have to spend an entire day, in 105 degree heat, moving my earthly possessions, so I still think that I ended up ahead in the game.

I did, however, find that my poolside apartment isn't all it's cracked up to be. The little rugrats are pretty dang loud, and I think that my weekends aren't gonna be to quiet for the next few months. Oh well, at least I have a great view of all of the hot chicks that go swimming...Oh wait...There aren't any. Why am I paying an extra $25/month for the privilege of being poolside? Oh yeah, because it was the only first floor apartment available. Bummer.

I hope all 1.327 of you out there are livin' large. And I must apologize to Big R's sister who said that my blog is too depressing. Hey, I had broken up with my last girlfriend. Cut a brotha some slack. I'm back. I'm black. And I'm...oh forget it.

Keep on keepin' on.

More Match.com Stuff

You just can't make this stuff up. I really, really wish that I could. If my monkey brain could come up with this stuff routinely, then I'd be sipping cold beer on a beach every day for the rest of my life. Here is another chick's profile and my example #2 of brilliance in literature:

Under her introduction heading about herself and who she is looking for:

I'm 5"4, 40G and thick in the waist. I can also say I even have an azz, it took me about 26 years to get it. I'm looking for someone who's down to earth and love to chill. I need someone that I can wake up to and don't mind being seen with in public. I need a ten by my side.

Is "40G" her bra size?!?!? If so, then I'm out done right there. Plain and simple. And if it took her 26 years to get an "azz," then I'm out. And what does "someone that I...don't mind being seen with in public." mean? Or that she needs "someone that I can wake up to" or that she needs a "ten by my side?" This is just funny.

She continues and describes her ethnicity:

"Dark & Lovely"

And to finish off her stunning profile, under the heading "Last Read." Um...well...she left that blank. Seriously. She couldn't come up with anything that she last read?!?!? That's dang funny.

Keep on keepin' on.

Match.com stuff

I have been on match.com off an on for the past 5 years or so, and I've met some pretty interesting women. I've also seen some pretty dang crazy profiles too. Here is an example of one woman's paragraph to describe herself and what she wants in a man:

"I want a man who is not always thinking about themselves. One who is very romantic and not afraid to just go do something off the wall. Romance keeps a relationship going. I'm not one that just likes to go to bed have sex and then that is it. It needs to have the right mood."

If that's not poetry, then I don't know what is.

Here is what she does for fun:

"I love reading, listening to music, like action comedy movies, love meeting people far or near, i love been with friend and going out for camping and most of all been close to the nature."

Oh, she "like action comedy movies." What exactly is that? It's cool that she "love been with friend" and "been close to the nature." Astounding.

Here's more. Here is what she wrote about her job:

"I always travel ..when ever am on visiting."

What in the sam hell does that mean?!?!? I am so confused right now. So you always travel on your job, but what part of your job entails "when ever am on visiting"??!?!?!!?!?!?!!? I need to nap. But wait, there's more.

Here is what she wrote about her religion:

"I go to church when ever am around."

Good. At least she's a "church girl." I go to church "when ever am around" too. Wow, we must be soulmates!

It keeps going. Under her education, she wrote these stunningly brilliant words:

"I really miss my classmate."

She really has a gift. Seriously. I couldn't make this stuff up.

And to finish off her Shakespearian-like prose, she wrote this under the heading of Favorite Hot Spots:

"Well am new to the internet dating thing but will like to experience life with my partner.who knows..."

If she is able to tie her shoes and feed herself, I would be thoroughly impressed.

I feel like I've had my brain sucked out of my head, and watched it cooked like scrambled eggs after reading her profile.

I'm guessing that she's not picking up a lot of "educated men." Or any guy that would want to date her for longer than 5-6 sex-filled nights.

I'm gonna search for more of these beauties, and I'll post them if I find any more.

In the meantime, keep on keepin' on.

Check This Out

In case you didn't feel bad enough about Global Warming, here is a complete list of the consequences of Global Warming. Yes, even "fashion disasters" and "polar bear cannabillistic" are blamed on Global Warming. Good grief, when are people gonna wake up and see that this "Global Warming" stuff is a bunch of B.S.!!!

Keep on keepin' on.