I'm Coming Home

Just like the Robert Earl Keen song, I'm coming home today....uh, rather late tonight. I should *fingers crossed* be able to leave here by 5 or 5:15, but it's about a 5.5-6 hour drive (with stops for gas and to go drain the ol' lizard), so I've got a long day a head of me. But, at least I have 2 dogs in the back to keep me entertained. Earl and Daisy are quite the pair.

Last night I had a lot of fun. What did you do Big D, you may ask? Did a group of cross-dressing midgets come by and entertain you? No such luck. Did aliens abduct you and perform weird experiments on you? No such luck either.

Here's what really happened.

I had just gotten done feeding my puppies, and we headed upstairs to my glorious attic apartment. My dog Daisy is a vacuum cleaner and the second we got up there, she found a 6 inch piece of string and put it in her mouth. Now she does this stuff all the time, and she normally just holds it in her mouth. Not this time. She swallowed it faster than Jenna Jameson on a sausage. Not that I've ever seen her on the silver screen, but I digress.

Now I'm pretty disgusted because I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me. You see kids, a piece of string, while likely to just pass through the body with no problem, can cause a VERY BIG PROBLEM. A problem like getting stuck somewhere in the intestines. No bueno. So I head downstairs to find some hydrogen peroxide to make her vomit (Yes, that makes dogs hurl their guts out. No you can't use it on your little sister. No, Big R, you can't use it on Shelby, although it would be funny.). But I digress again. Sorry. Me and my tangents.

I search all over this clinic for some, but to no avail. So I then head to a convenience store. Nothing. I then remembered that there is a CVS pharmacy close by. The only problem is that it's in the middle of the ghetto. So I drive through said ghetto, and oddly enough, everybody was staring at me. I wonder why? Maybe it's because I'm the only white dude they've seen heading down their streets. I pull up the the CVS at around 6:45 P.M. only to realize that IT IS CLOSED. What kind of CVS closes at 6 PM? Ahhhhh, right. The one's in the ghetto. Good answer class.

So I then start out on my adventure to find a grocery store or some other such store. A few blocks down, I find a sort of major intersection and find a larger convenience store. Let me describe to you what I saw. In the parking lot, a group of, how do you say this in English, African-Americans were closing up shop for the day. They were selling assorted clothes, knock-off sunglasses, knock-off watches, etc. High quality stuff, I assure you.

Then I walk into the store. I. Couldn't. Believe. What. I. Saw. I first walk in to hear some Asian music turned up at FULL VOLUME. The dude behind the counter was Asian and was watching a Asian music video. As a self-proclaimed music snob, I can say that the music sucked. Badly. But the dude was even better. He was about 30 years old, and was wearing.....wait for it, a sweet wife-beater shirt adorned with a way-too-large-knock-off gold chain. Nice.

To my left was a long row of about 15 or so slot machines, which don't pay out any "money." Yeah, right. Sitting there was a white women, chain smoking and pulling away on the machine. Niiiiiiiice.

Somehow through the haze of smoke and really bad Asian music, I found the elixor that I was looking for. Amazing, I know. It was like I was on Candid Camera, only the newer version "Candid Camera From Hell." How I get myself into these situations, I'll never know.

With my prize in hand, I headed back home to give it to my dog, Daisy. She did not handle it well. First off, I think that waaaaaaaay more of it was on me and the floor, than ever got into her stomach. But after much struggling, and coaxing I managed to get some of it down her.

I then took her outside to watch the show. Luckily this story has a happy ending, and after about 10 minutes she vomited up the string, along with all of her dog food that she had eaten.

All's well that ends well, I guess. Keep on keepin' on.